"Locked in a Box" by Mac

Written by Robert McGowan June 28th, 2010

"First and foremost I want to personally thank all of you who are sustaining me and my family during this unjust, unthinkable nightmare we are living through. I also would like to thank CCPOA, Dan Lindsay, Dave Sanders, Chuck Alexander and Mike Jimenez for their continued support of my innocence. Also, I would like to thank PacoVilla and Sittin Bull for their support through their websites so all of our brothers, sisters and family and friends know the hidden dangers of the job.


As many of you know, I‘m currently sitting in a box (cell). The little contact that I’m allowed is only by phone calls (the time always goes by way too fast!), and only one visit per week (two at 30min.), through GLASS! I don’t even get to hug my beautiful family! I spend most of the days eatin’ breakfast at 4am, lunch at 10am, and then they bring dinner at 4pm. Before they found another cell for me, I spent a lot of time trying to hold it together, wondering what the frick happened and thinking about how my son and daughter were taking the fact that Papa could not say goodbye to them, their mom having to break it to them that I wouldn't be coming home. Sleeping on and off on my concrete bed with a yoga mat for mattress and wondering where I would be taken to next, took up the rest of my time in my head.


I know I’m a political pawn in the war between the US Attny’s office and CCPOA. It’s been going on for long before I even joined the Department. After 12 years on the “other” side of the door, I can tell you this is a living nightmare. To be looked at like an inmate, dirt bag, felon, makes my stomach turn. Add to that, I was acquitted and returned to work for almost two years before the 9th Dist. of Appeals overturned my judge’s decision, and the fact that I helped save a hanging inmate’s life, along with my partner’s. I can’t believe I’m in a cell!


My family visits me once a week through glass! My daughter doesn’t understand why her Papa can’t give her a kiss and hug like I did at home. My son looks at me with tears in his eyes but he stays strong at least until the visit is over. My wife, as strong as she is, can’t cover the fact that I can still see the heartache, sadness and helplessness in her eyes. Her first words are always, “How are you doing?” at the same time she pushes her own sadness to the side. When it’s time to go, I get up and wave goodbye and walk to the door with my hands behind me, ready to cuff up out of respect for the officers that escort me to my cell. But they just walk me back. My wife, at the exit, always blows me a kiss before the doors close behind us.


Any of my partners, co-workers, and free staff know what kind of officer and person I am. Those who worked with me for years, know the kind of man I am. My family and friends, KNOW what I stand for.


The probation report recommendation, with all of its background on me, said that at most, 6 months of home detention with poss. 3 yrs. of probation following. 51 months the judge gives me in prison! In shock and pleading with the judge to allow me to say goodbye to my children, wife and family, Otis just remands me into custody, IMMEDIATELY! Unbelievable. As I was stripped of my suit and my wedding ring and put in a jumpsuit, they placed me in a holding tank. I was processed and stuck in a cell for the night. The following day or morning, I was moved to the Shu-unit. I was still in shock with the reality of being in jail, and being away from my family. The pre-sentence report stated that probation and house arrest were more than fair and my lawyer had said there was NO WAY that I’d be taken into custody. Imagine my surprise, when the judge crammed the most he could, right down my throat?! The prosecution, with a last minute attempt to mess with the probation report's recommendation, threw in an accusation from another inmate, unrelated to what I was being sentenced for. He said that I brought drugs into the prison I worked in! With NO proof or even a request for drug testing, the judge used THAT against me too! He didn’t even ask for evidence!


The best way to explain a cop being locked up is the movie, “Groundhog Day.” Everyday is the same as yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be the same as today, and still NO FAMILY! I keep waking up in the middle of the night and wonder, “When is this nightmare going to end?” What did I ever do to deserve this? My family doesn’t deserve this either!


I will fight this with every ounce of energy I have. I was acquitted once and will be again!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me that my friends, partners at CIM and even many that I’ve never worked with from other institutions across the state, have my family’s back. The support from everyone out there has been good. Other prisons are getting involved and supporting my family through PacoVilla. Together as ONE, we will fight this injustice so that NO OTHER officer and their family will have to go through what my family and I are enduring, this heartache. Thank you CCPOA for everything. You truly are “Taking Care of Our Own.”


Keep your backs against the wall and stay safe. I can’t wait to put my badge back on and walk through the gate with my partners soon!"


- Rob(Mac)McGowan